


That moment when you only want to rip their hearts out in peace

by Sociopathicnutellaeggplant



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Assassination, Blood, Clumsyillumi, Comedy, Hisoka with very little clothing, Kind of cat and mouse, Lighthearted, M/M, Missions, Stripper!hisoka, Violence, a bit of mystery, alcohol consumption, no depressing backstories, one boy trying to kill, removal of body parts, sexual stuff later, stupid family rules, unedited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-08-05 05:18:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16361558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sociopathicnutellaeggplant/pseuds/Sociopathicnutellaeggplant
Summary: Illumi is sent on yet another ridiculous mission by his family. He is confronted by a mischievous stripper who is seen as threat to Illumi’s family because of information he acquired.





	1. Mission one status: failure

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re looking for a depressing story with heartbreaking background stories you are not in the right place.   
> I personally feel that even if Hisoka was forced to be a stripper, he would find a way to enjoy it completely and not care about it for a single second.   
> As for my justification for the mission set by Illumi’s family... I have none. It’s just a silly mission to get the story going. Enjoy.

Today’s agenda: get laid. 

Two words Illumi would never imagine would cross his mind. He was feeling frustrated from his family. One member of his family would tell him that he needs to be smart while another would tell him that he must be able to endure unimaginable pain. Each individual had their own ideals of strength and they were often competing to find who’s “strength” was “right”. He didn’t mind being an assassin, he actually rather enjoyed ending people’s lives. He knew it was something he wouldn’t be able to live without. Now to address the obvious question. Why must he get laid? He needs to produce a child to keep extending the Zoldyack name. Another question that may follow might be something along the lines of ‘if he is trying to get laid then why is he currently standing in a pool of blood?’.  
Bringing outsiders into the house is forbidden. He is not allowed to befriend people. He must kill everyone who sees him because it is a threat to his family. Probably not the easiest mission he has ever received. Actually, he was wondering how he was supposed to complete his current mission. It was completely contradictory. He had planned to go to a bar, find a suitable woman that wasn’t too heavily surrounded by others and hope she was level headed enough to not run the moment she was confronted with his appearance. 

Current mission status: fail. 

Illumi wasn’t one for romance, however he was fist deep into the woman’s heart, literally. He had certainly touched her in an way that no one had ever before. He vaguely remembered a line from some romance movie that somewhat resembled that. Perhaps if the woman had lived long enough, she might agree. Although, she might be jealous because he had done the same to many others, both before and after her.   
‘Wow, I have barely known her for 5 minutes and had already cheated on her.’ Illumi thought to himself idly, wondering how such a player as himself was still a virgin.   
‘I suppose they aren’t ready for my charms’ Illumi hummed to himself as he kneeled next to another woman ‘how heartless’ he thought as he ripped another heart out. ‘Not bothering to give me a chance to explain my situation’ another heart was ripped out, this time from the bouncer beside the door. He wasn’t allowed to leave any witnesses, so he continued to do so, a small smile on his lips. Ripping people’s hearts out was surprisingly therapeutic. ‘I feel a bit better’ he felt a bit better. 

About 10 seconds later, there was only one living human being remaining: himself. Although many called him a monster, unfortunately for them, he was the same species as everyone in this room. He was just bred to be better. Ah, now that the witnesses were taken care of, he could take the opportunity to sit down and enjoy a glass of whisky. He stood up and dusted himself off, not leaving a single trail of blood on his clothing as he did so (because of his amazingly fast reflexes). He sat himself at a bar stool and massaged his temples with his fingers, feeling some tension leaving himself as he did. He silently accepted the glass of whisky that was offered to him, drinking it quickly and offering a small thank you. He began thinking to himself of another approach to take. Everything he had tried so far to get a woman into his bed had failed. He had no idea what he was missing. 

“Women like flowers” a voice suggested. Illumi modded to himself ‘yes, flowers. Perhaps that was what he was missing’ Illumi nodded again ‘thank you, voice in my head’   
“You’re welcome” the voice added and Illumi froze and death stared the glass in front of him. That did not sound like a voice in his head. Illumi’s thoughts ticked over for a couple of seconds more before his head snapped up to the mysterious voice, his death stare not leaving. Next to him was a man with blazing red hair. His body was covered in various pieces of jewellery, some golden chains that rested over his muscles and others that contained small gems. The only pieces of clothing that covered his body were a tight crop top, tight small shorts and black heels. ‘This man looks like he just came off stage from a strip club’ Illumi thought as he looked the man up and down. 

“Because I did” the red haired man confirmed. Illumi froze again, his thoughts seeming to be ticking over again. 

“How did you read my thoughts?” Illumi asked, slightly horrified with the thoughts of a mind reader. He didn’t sense that the man was using any sort of nen ability but he couldn’t be entirely sure. This man must be a nen genius, a professional of the art, someone dangerous who he should avoid to protect his family. 

“I didn’t. You said them out loud.” The man said simply, crushing Illumi’s pride in a single sentence. His mouth hung open at the comment and he unconsciously moved his upper body back a bit. 

It felt like a kick to the stomach. Illumi felt embarrassed at his blunder. Something so simple that he could have so easily avoided. It must be because he’s stressed out.   
‘I will leave and thoroughly consider my unacceptable behaviour’ he thought as his cheeks tinted the slightest bit pink, very very slight. He resisted the urge to go and bury himself away from the world, for now. He quickly got up from the stool and walked slightly faster than usual toward the exit. The moment he was out of sight from the other, he jumped through the darkness and strategically moved as far from the bar as possible so he wouldn’t be discovered. Absolutely no other reason. He felt humiliated by the mysterious stripper. He was humiliated by a stripper... 

‘a stripper... one in the bar... the bar that saw me kill dozens of people... the ALIVE stripper!’ Illumi mentally slapped himself. He has left a witness alive because he was embarrassed. The amount of mistakes he had made today were unprecedented. Unacceptable. Illumi quickly turned on his heels and dashed toward the bar. He needed to kill that man before his secrets were exposed. He knew what Illumi looked like. He was now an extreme danger to the entire Zoldyack family. 

Illumi burst through the door of the bar only to find the man gone. He dashed through the room and searched the building up and down, leaving no stone unturned. He headed back to the main room of the bar to search for clues. He approached where he and the man had been sitting and found nothing but a single card with a name, Hisoka (which he assumed was a stage name and not his real name), a love heart hand drawn and a location. The vein on Illumi’s forehead twitched. ‘This bitch’ he thought as he stomped out of the bar, moving to a more private location where he could clear his head. He would no longer be satisfied with only killing this man.


	2. The alleyway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here’s the second chapter that no one really directly asked for but there were some comments. I wrote this chapter when my internet was down and my internet is down again so I guess i’ll Write chapter 3. 
> 
> Enjoy!

After Illumi had mentally beat himself over every single second of his wrongdoings, he decided to go to the location that was written on the card. He had a feeling that man was the type who liked to toy with others. If that was the case, it would make Illumi’s job a lot easier. He had made up a very reliable 3 step plan that he was sure would work. 

Step 1. Go to the location   
Step 2. Meet the man at said location  
Step 3. Kill said man 

Easy, right? After about 2 hours of waiting, Illumi saw a flaw in his plan. The man had not specified what time they would be meeting. He was now perched on a shifty looking bench with who knows what smeared on it. Illumi has lived long enough to understand that sometimes, there are questions better left unanswered and this happened to be one of those times. Surprisingly, the suspicious substance on the bench wasn’t what made it the most shifty. It was bolted into concrete floor of an alleyway. 

Illumi took out his phone and searched for the location of the alleyway in google, then proceeded to go to the “review” page. 

☆ ☆/ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ alleyway name: children’s playground, city *****, st *****   
Illumi Zoldyck: 

Although my stay here has been a rather long one and more or less enjoyable, I am disappointed in the lack of ominous feeling coming from this alleyway. When I think of alleyways, I think of dark holes that strike fear into all that enter, making them wonder if they will ever have the opportunity to leave. Although I have been here for longer than 2 hours, not that I am awaiting anyone particularly important (no one would dare stand me up), I have yet to find myself faced with any illegal activities or individuals trying to mug me. The most danger I’m faced with is this white smudge of an unidentified substance (one I would rather ignore). I am very disappointed and do not recommend this alleyway as a place for illegal activity. If you wish for recommendations, you may contact me directly at myperfectlittlebrotherisanangelandilovehimmorethanmylifesodontyoudareevertrytotouchhimoriwillkillyou@hotmail.com. 

Illumi locked the screen of his phone, satisfied with the review he gave. He would hate for someone to have such an unpleasant time.   
‘Such a waste, it has such potential’ Illumi thought as he leaned back, regretting his decision 0.0000000000000000001 second later when his hand landed directly on the suspicious white substance. He pulled his hand away as fast as he could, mortified to have come into psychical contact with it. Just as Illumi planned to find some way of disinfecting his hand without resorting to removing it entirely, the man who had been the source of his problems appeared. From the wide smirk on the mans face, Illumi knew he knew what had happened. The other man knew Illumi knew that he knew. Their synchronised knowing was unsettling for Illumi. It didn’t help that his hand had been infected by whatever that substance was. 

“I dare you to lick it” Hisoka said with a grin. Illumi’s response was a very firm, very quick “no”. 

Hisoka stepped out from the darker shadow he seemed to be hiding in and came out into the slightly less darker part of the alleyway. He wore a similar outfit to the previous day, except today he had a large pink bit of fur around his shoulders. His stomach muscles were still fully on display and the “clothing” he wore did nothing to hide any of his lower half. He waltzed to Illumi as if he was taking a stroll through a peaceful park, not a care in the world. 

With all the stressful events that had occurred, Illumi ALMOST forgot how Hisoka had been over 2 hours late. 

“I thought strippers of all people would have to be punctual, with customers waiting and all” Illumi stated, clearly upset. 

“I’m sorry for the wait, dear customer. If I had known you would be so early then I would have rushed over especially for you” Hisoka fired back, purposely raising his voice a little too loudly so a few passerby’s were given the wrong idea. Needless to say, Illumi was not impressed. 

“Then perhaps to get rid of the confusion, you could try specifying a time” Illumi’s eyes narrowed slightly as he snapped back at the stripper. Hisoka just shrugged, obviously fighting back a laugh, and opened a door that was opposite of Illumi. The door was old and rusty so it didn’t open without protest. The screeching sounded closer to a dying cat than a piece of metal. Illumi took a mental note of the sound. He would be sure to include it in his review of the alleyway later. Illumi stood from where he had been seated, rather pleased with leaving. He walked ahead of Hisoka, who held the door open for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol sorry if you feel like I memed Illumi a bit too hard but I just can’t help but feel like he’d be someone who leaves reviews. 
> 
> It’s also nice just writing small chapters. It doesn’t feel stressful or anything so I like doing it that way. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Wine and dining on the screams of the (probably) innocent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this time there was less comments but at least one person seemed interested. I’m hoping what’s inside this chapter will pull a few more innocent souls in ;) 
> 
> My internet is still off so I guess I will be writing more. 
> 
> Enjoy!

When illumi entered the room, Hisoka turned on the lights and closed the door behind him. Illumi wasn’t the least bit surprised that there was a stripper pole in the centre of the room. If anything, he was a little disappointed about how ordinary the room was, by the standards of a stripper who looks like he keeps a lion in his basement and juggles fire. 

“HELP ME” a voice screamed from what seemed to be in the direction of the basement. Again, Illumi wasn’t surprised in the least. His facial expression didn’t change in the slightest when he could hear deathly screams of a man who sounded as if he was being torn to shreds by a lion. By the roaring that followed, Illumi was very certain that was exactly what had just happened. Hisoka made his way to the kitchen, getting two glasses from the cupboard and placing them on the bench. He then seemed to summon a bottle wine out of thin air. Illumi had to admit to himself that he had yet to see a magician stripper. Hisoka poured the wine surprisingly graciously for someone with such a build. Illumi assumed he had served it to customers many times. Illumi took the deep red wine and had a small taste. It was better than he has expected. ‘I didn’t think he would be paid enough to afford wine like this’ Illumi thought to himself. 

“That’s rather rude. People are very attracted to my charms” Hisoka told Illumi as he struck a pose, one hand on his hip, the other behind his head. Illumi almost choked on his wine. He knew that last time they had met, the man had claimed he had said it out loud but Illumi was beginning to doubt these claims. He just couldn’t understand how HE of all people could have made such an unforgivable mistake. 

“Why did you call me here? What do you want?” Illumi decided to ask. He already intended to kill this man but he thought he might as well find out his motivation behind it and what he hopes to gain. Illumi looked straight into the other mans eyes, unflinching. Hisoka took a slow sip of his own wine and lowered his lashes seductively. His tongue darted out to edge of the glass and he licked it slowly. His hand then reached back and he lowered the brightness of the lights, setting a very different mood. Illumi’s expression remained unchanging as the other man prowled forward. Hisoka gently placed the glass down before running his nails down the side of Illumi’s neck. He slowly moved the strands of hair that hung beside Illumi’s face behind his ear and moved his lips toward the now exposed ear. The contact was enough to make Illumi shiver. He had never been touched in such a way before. He could feel his cheeks warm up slightly, although he was sure that was just the wine. Illumi unconsciously leaned into the other man’s touch. He would never admit to anyone, not even himself, that the touch felt pleasant but that doesn’t mean he could stop the reactions his body gave. He let a small, silent breath escape his lips when Hisoka ran his nails up the sides of Illumi’s arms. ‘Maybe if this man promised to be my slave I might consider not killing him’ Illumi thought to himself idly. His mind was wondering further away from him with every small touch. He was too far gone to voice his thoughts. His eyes slipped closed as the other man ran his hand up Illumi’s neck once more. 

“I want you to dance for me, Illumi” Hisoka whispered in a low voice as he gently tilted Illumi’s head toward the pole. Illumi’s eyes snapped open, only for his lids to lower in annoyance. ‘The one chance this man would ever get to live and he threw it away’ Illumi thought before forcefully removed the Hisoka’s hand. He didn’t let go of the stripper’s hand. Instead, he held onto him tightly, looking the other straight in the eyes. 

“Shouldn’t you be the one dancing, Hisoka?” Illumi asked the other. He felt as though he had been humiliated again. It didn’t take long before he regret opening his mouth. He had known this man for about 10 minutes all up but he already knew he would go through with it and get much more enjoyment than anyone who was watching. He defiantly seemed to be the type publicly display all of his sexual encounters. Illumi held onto Hisoka’s hand tighter, not wanting the situation to escalate further. He could not allow him to reach that pole. Hisoka moves back further, his fingers slowly slipping through Illumi’s grasp. Illumi held tighter, to the point it would definitely leave a bruise. Hisoka wasn’t faded by the pain in the slightest, if anything he seemed to be having the time of his life. This was an unspoken battle between men. Their pride was on the line. The first to voice their displeasure would lose. Illumi gripped on for dear life. At this point, a normal person’s bones would be broken, although Hisoka seemed to be perfectly unharmed. Illumi was slowly realising the man before him was not your average stripper. He could not comprehend WHY he was a stripper. Someone as strong with enough wits to outsmart Illumi would surely be able to get themselves a high paying job. Was he being threatened? Did he upset some mafia boss? From the shimmer in Hisoka’s eyes, Illumi was beginning to feel that he was looking too far into it. 

Finally, Illumi’s grip was broken and Hisoka was free. It was over. Illumi had long lost the chance to escape, if he was to leave now or attack Hisoka, he would be forever deemed a coward. It would follow him to his grave. He had already made enough mistakes. His pride was already low enough. His willpower was sinking as fast as his stress was rising. As Hisoka walked over to the pole, Illumi could see his life flashing before his eyes. He was about to witness something he would never recover from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so like, idk if anyone actually wants to read about Hisoka pole dancing but by the way the story is going, I’m not sure Illumi has any way of getting out of this. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Tell me what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that’s that. Just a little piece to set the scene.


End file.
